Thursday Thoughts

 I look around and see the world is moving in slow motion. Have I connected to the universe? I've been working on opening up my chakras. Really delve into my inner being. Cleanse my spiritual person. I feel a change in me. A person somehow trapped, wanting to escape. 

I feel myself becoming distant from those I'm close with. Less time on social media. Less time on my phone. I've been focused on the interactions with my children. I'm curious what they think. What they are really feeling. Am I doing a good job? Am I doing enough? 

I can't shake this feeling. Something is coming. I don't know what. Something big. Is it my manifestation? Is it a hallucination? I thought I saw something in the corner of my eye. I keep seeing the triple digits. Are my angels calling out to me?

I am open and ready. If you can hear me... I am here! 

The Awakening

There comes a time when we all have to give into our feelings. Rediscover our heart and feel our soul unwind. I've traveled down a lane to which the light of my life begun to dim. I feel a sense of heartbreak. A deep loss of life. Not the loss of a person, but the loss of my self. My sense of being.
 I look to the Gods for discovery; their direction. I am in need of hope and guidance. When I wake from my dreams, I believe in a place that will hold me close and nurture my mind. In a moment of prayer, I was blessed with five gifts.
All of which share a piece of my heart and glimpses of my identity. My beloved children. Perfectly created and shaped from the lord's love. Five individuals who push me to grow and discover the very place I dream about.
I am touched by their heart and empowered by their confidence. They show me how to be fearless. They teach me to embrace the very things I fear. I look down and see a valley. I see the place I once allowed to tear me apart. It looks dark from where I stand. Is it possible to grow from weeds and still be a beautiful flower? What determines this transformation?
If I let go of all that I know to be, will I finally be free from my self destruction? I hear the undertones of the negative music spreading about me. I believed the false truths spoken off the lips of the once friendly. They filled my head with belief and hope. Yet here I am, broken into crumbs of disappointment.
 There is light that has slowly begun to shine upon me. It's a glue. It's pulling my back together piece by piece. I feel the smallest and warmest hands mending my broken meaning. Their touch gives me an unspoken sense of courage. I begin to form. I am growing stronger and beginning to stand up. One step at a time and I'm learning to walk. Suddenly, like lightening, my heart begins to beat to a tune I've never heard.
There they stand before me with the love and compassion I was missing. They believe in me. They can see through my fears. They know my existence. I felt weak. I felt afraid. I felt failure. They took it all and buried it with grace and love. They tell me, I am their comfort. I am their happy. I am the reason.
A surge of life comes from deep within. And now I stand.. full of glory... will to strive. I hear their music. I feel their joy. Stand tall they say. Believe. Overcome and Be. I look to the Gods and I am Awaken!

When the judge is your neighbor

Remember when you were a kid and nothing mattered. You could run around, have fun and be you. Now here we as adults and everything we do is judged by the person sitting next to you. Or maybe it's the person who sits in an office. 

Judged by our clothes, hair, personality, house, car and job. To be honest, All I want to do is raise my middle finger and smile. I am so sick of worrying what people think about me. Away from work, I'm awesome... at least that's what I tell myself. At work, completely different story. I've been at my job for the last 2 1/2 years. Let me just tell you, working here has made me want to jump off the roof. So much drama. Unnecessary drama at that. In the last few months, a lot has changed. Until recently...!!!

You know that moment when you suddenly feel like you're back in high school? Whether you do or don't. I'm certain all of us have experienced that one person who just makes shit hard for you. That one that gives you that snooty booty look like "I'm way better than you". Ugh... Can I please give you five fingers to the face? 

 I speak up and say something, now I'm the bad guy. I'm the one with an attitude.. I mean WTF! How is it this person is acting like the damn devil and it's alright? You can be reading this and thinking just say something to the person's face. Confront it! Well I did! And guess who got in trouble.... Me!

I feel like a movie played and I saw myself giving this particular person a good strong pimp hand to the throat! Whoa! Back to reality. Nope, there they are, still sitting next me and acting like they shit roses. 

To give you better understanding of where I'm going with this, I'm 100% talking about another FEMALE.... WWWWWHHHHYYYYY!!!!!!

Why do females act catty? We started out as pretty good friends. And then I found that not disclosing so much of my personal business with her, was actually doing my home life some justice. Now she is... well I would rather not disclose my obscenities. Criticizing my every move. Telling my boss every little thing I do. Shit, maybe I should make a video and give it to her. Better yet, take some pictures with my autograph! I FAMOUS!

You know what I'm talking about. When your tongue hurts because you continuously hold back. I'm screaming inside. I want so bad to just let loose and go all ghetto-fied. I'm pressing myself to be the bigger person. I'm breaking out the biggest bad of kindness any woman has ever seen. I don't know any other way to deal with this. The vicious side of me is enjoying her blood boil every time I'm being nice.

Call me immature.. I don't care. Every one of us have had to deal with someone like this. Telling you about it is actually making me feel better. The best part about this blog, I can feel her eyes on the back of my neck. She's struggling to read this. HaHa! For those of you who are or have been in my shoes... I want you to laugh out loud. To the woman who thinks she intimidates me.. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Take that... You're cut off bitch.. (in my Dave Chappelle voice)!!!! 

In the storm

I see her crying and I hear her heart breaking. I want so bad to pick her up, hug her and tell her," This storm will soon pass. Just continue to have faith."  I reach to help and suddenly realize I'm watching the woman in the mirror. Her face is recognizable. Her trembling voice is familiar. The woman I see is... Me.
She looks up at me. I see the pain behind her eyes. Her face is weary. She looks drained. Her body quivers as she cries. I'm hurting for her. Dear God, please save this woman. She needs your comfort. Please guide her to a place of warmth and love. Help her to see that she can be strong. I speak softly to her. "Please stop crying. I know you're hurting. I know you're tired. Please stop crying.
 I know it's hard and you feel like you're alone. I'm here. Please stop crying...." She wants to give up. She wants this pain to be taken away. I'm crying for her. She deserves something better.
 The broken woman slows her breathing as the tears begin to dry. "Take my hand, stand up" I say to her. Our eyes meet. Looking passed the hurt, the pain and her struggle.
We see a woman who discovers her strength. The courage to push one more day. The passion to embrace a new obstacle. We are reminded that life isn't easy. We have to fight for ourselves. Please don't cry... Please hold on. God is here. Let him be your strength. Let him fight this fight. Believe you can. Feel your courage.
Look into my eyes and see that you can overcome this. I am you and you are me.  
Please hold into me.....

Social Media Vacation

Well... I've just put myself on a 30 day social media vacation. Deleted the apps off my phone to avoid temptation. My sister Stina is doing the same thing #IMACOPYCAT lol. It's getting warmer out and I don't want to spend all my days worrying about someone's post on Facebook or pictures on Instagram. My girls deserve better. So, I just got myself a library card. Haven't had one in.... Well we don't need to add up the years ;). My first read to start me off on this vacation 

I'm pretty stoked to be honest. I'm actually looking forward to not having FB drama. Just the thought that no one will know what I'm doing brings a undescribable rush through my body. So long drama queens, nosey Nancy's and shit talking Shelly's. Lol. (Names not affiliated with anyone in particular). There is so much more to life then scrolling. Ha ha ha 

After All

Do you ever sit and wonder what the hell you've spent your time doing? I do! I feel there isn't enough time in a day to accomplish the simplest tasks. For example, washing the dishes or doing a load of laundry is equivalent to going to work for 8 hours. I can't wrap my mind around it. I see it! I know it needs to be done! No motivation!!! Kids running around; everyone room has a mess. I clean up and ten seconds later... Hurricane Wild Child rips through my house. Stop, nurse, clean and stare. My only normal functions as of now. After All... I'm only a Mother! Sanity where are you? Oh how I miss thee!! 

Ugh

Ugh!!! The word that comes out when something agitates us. I must say this at least a thousand times a day. When the kids run through the house screaming Mommy at the top of their lungs... UGH! Dishes overflowing.... UGH!  The cleanest word to use when we are trying to avoid from swearing. I've gotten to the point with UGH that my kids know to run away very swiftly. UGH means I've reached my highest nerve and I'm about blow the roof off the house. This should be in the dictionary with a picture of a mother damn near pulling her hair out. In some cases, weave in hand. UGH can also be used in a sense of relief. That moment when you get a second to yourself.... Ugh!!! Whether used in a stress induced situation or in a relaxing situation the word UGH is a Mommy's best friend.